Broken….

It has been a wonderful few months that has now come to an abrupt and heart wrenching end.

I fell in love. Shouldn’t have let it happen. He is my best friend and half my age. I knew it was never going to work out but I was so lost in the moment, the promises that the age divide meant nothing, that I wanted to believe anything was possible. So I allowed myself to really feel for someone for the first time in years. I opened my heart, my life, my soul to another only to have it all ripped apart.

It may sound over dramatic, but right now that is how I feel. Broken, discarded and useless. As a woman my expiry date was a decade ago. Now I am nothing more than an old woman past 40. A woman to be over looked for her younger counterparts. A woman that has nothing to offer because of her age. This is how I feel right now, its what I hear in general discussions with people. It is how society perceives females. Once their beauty starts to fade and their child bearing days are gone, you have no use.

So I’ve been tossed away yet again but at least this time it was by someone that does really care for me. I just can’t give them what they really want in life, a family of their own. I support them in ending the relationship. Understand why it is for the best and that they have to find someone closer to their own age, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. If anything it makes the whole situation even worse.

I finally found someone I connect with, someone who could over look all my faults and still love me, only for my age to be the barrier. Life never seems to bring happiness only hardship and heartache.

I don’t know if our friendship will survive this. I truly hope it does. I don’t have many people I call friends, I’d hate to lose the most important friend I have all because of my age…