Silencing the Victim

I was asked today to remain silent. To no longer stand up against my bullies. This astounded me. Cannot fathom why I was asked to stop standing up for myself and to let the bullies say what ever they want to me. How is ignoring them going to make them stop when this has never helped before?

It surprised me because when I’ve been attacked before by these individuals, many came to my aide and the bullies were put in their place. Their constant harassment stopped for a while. If many voices stand together, those that try to harm others stand no chance.

It seems to me that people DON’T want to stand up for what is right anymore, just want things to be peaceful and not disturb their lives. Everyone turns a blind eye to what is actually happening around them with no care for their fellow man. It is like everything is too much for them to deal with.

So I am meant to stand there and take what ever abuse is hurled at me. Apparently if I do this after some time they will get bored and move onto another target. This is what I find disturbing. There will be another target. Someone else will suffer the constant insults and attacks on their character for no other reason than the bullies are bored.

No one seems to care that the next person they attack may not be able to withstand the abuse. No one cares that these bullies could be damaging a persons self worth. No one will care even if these bullies push someone to the brink and they commit suicide. All they care about is their lives return to normal.

If we all stood together and stated quite clearly that bullying behavior is unacceptable the message might finally be received. Until then, there will always be another victim of someones callous attacks.

Good people let bad things happen. It is unfortunate but true. I won’t stand idly by and let it happen.

Broken….

It has been a wonderful few months that has now come to an abrupt and heart wrenching end.

I fell in love. Shouldn’t have let it happen. He is my best friend and half my age. I knew it was never going to work out but I was so lost in the moment, the promises that the age divide meant nothing, that I wanted to believe anything was possible. So I allowed myself to really feel for someone for the first time in years. I opened my heart, my life, my soul to another only to have it all ripped apart.

It may sound over dramatic, but right now that is how I feel. Broken, discarded and useless. As a woman my expiry date was a decade ago. Now I am nothing more than an old woman past 40. A woman to be over looked for her younger counterparts. A woman that has nothing to offer because of her age. This is how I feel right now, its what I hear in general discussions with people. It is how society perceives females. Once their beauty starts to fade and their child bearing days are gone, you have no use.

So I’ve been tossed away yet again but at least this time it was by someone that does really care for me. I just can’t give them what they really want in life, a family of their own. I support them in ending the relationship. Understand why it is for the best and that they have to find someone closer to their own age, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. If anything it makes the whole situation even worse.

I finally found someone I connect with, someone who could over look all my faults and still love me, only for my age to be the barrier. Life never seems to bring happiness only hardship and heartache.

I don’t know if our friendship will survive this. I truly hope it does. I don’t have many people I call friends, I’d hate to lose the most important friend I have all because of my age…

Online Abuse, Standing up to the Bullies

Today I really felt like shutting the doors, closing the drapes and switching off the internet. I get tired of the constant haters, the people who feel its their right to abuse someone for no other reason but they can. While I come across many wonderful, thoughtful and kind people online, I also unfortunately find a similar number of vile individuals who try to harm you with their words.

I haven’t locked myself away. I won’t be shutting off the world, how could I? To do so would be to give in, let these nasty people win. What sort of role model would I be to my children if I did? They need to know how to stand up to such attacks and that by being true to themselves, they are doing the very best thing they can.

I once read a quote by an author long forgotten. It went something like this “Good people let bad things happen”. There was more to it but I use this part as a lesson for my kids. It is true, good people stand by as bad things happen. It doesn’t make them weak, terrible people, or anything else. Not everyone is able to stand up and stop something terrible from happening. You wouldn’t expect a frail grandparent in their 80’s to chase a bag snatcher or a child to stand up to an abusive adult. Sometimes there is no way a person can stop or help in certain situations and they shouldn’t feel bad about it or made to feel they should have done more. But when a person can stand up, can speak  for those that cannot, they should. This is what I teach, this is what I do.

For the last couple of weeks I have been coping a lot of hatred online. Unfortunately it is being perpetrated by men. Women can be nasty online too but the latest abuse I’ve endured has all been by males. I voice my opinion against using the word ‘rape’ in gaming. I will not stand by when people are being racially abusive. I’m a stickler for rules and will remind people to stay within them.  I won’t tolerate being asked for sexual favors just because I’m a female online. Sorry but my bust size and what I’m wearing are my own concerns, not for some creepy sexual online deviant. I don’t swear or hurl abuse at people, but often have it thrown at me. Often in forms of disgusting sexual torture(that they want to perform on me), sexism and get called a lesbian (which I am not). The list of slurs and vile comments are mind boggling. The things these so called men (some are over 40) say to me are beyond disgusting. They know nothing about me except a name on a screen but feel it is their right to abuse me, put me in my place and see me eradicated from their perfect vile little world they have created for themselves. But still I stand up, I still speak for those that cannot or will not. Someone has too.

So I’ve had my little break, sometime to regain my energy. It is time to face these horrid men once again so that others they effect have someone to stand up to them, a voice for when theirs fail. We don’t live in a perfect world, we all have different ideals and beliefs but I really wish people would think before they let their mind run wild. There are real people behind the screens, real people receiving the hatred. Real people that have thoughts and feelings of their own. Just because you can type something doesn’t mean you always should. Yes I know I’m dreaming if I think people such as these would ever think of anyone else first, but I can only hope that one day they will see the harm they are causing and stop.

There is no place for hatred anywhere.

Putting Things into Perspective

I was on the phone with my electricity company for almost an hour. I was nearly brought to tears over a payment plan rise of $17. No matter how much the lovely lady on the end of the line tried, she could not help me evade this blatant grab for money I do not have to give.

Unfortunately my account is in arrears. This wasn’t due to me not paying my account but a accounting and clerical error on their behalf. Slowly and without ever defaulting on the plan I first agreed too, I’ve been reducing the amount owed. Apparently this is no longer good enough. All my continuing years of being a good customer and always paying what is owed is for naught. Now they want the extra $17 a fortnight. Doesn’t sound like much until you live in my world.

What could $17 dollars buy? 4 chicken breasts. That is 3 meals for my family. I could buy a cheaper cut of chicken but even thighs would still cost me around $12-14 for same weight as the breasts. I could stop drinking milk as lactose free is more expensive than regular milk. That would save $10 but I’d have to spend some, if not more on replacing it with something else. I’ve already stopped buying steak, so cannot cut that out but we could do without cheese and maybe reduce fruit variety from 3 to 2. We already eat lots of stews and stirfrys as they are filling and nutritious, no desserts or special treats. We don’t eat take away anymore. The monthly $5 of chips is no longer an option. We do not buy our favorite brands, but the cheaper options. The coffee is almost all gone again now, that won’t be replaced. I guess that isn’t such a bad thing, but try explaining to guests you can only offer them tap water or tap water. I get lots of quizzical looks.

The cupboards look dismal, the fridge is bare. But lets put it into prospective.

I still have a roof over my head, food to eat and heating to keep warm. I have good, clean clothes in the wardrobe and an old car that still goes. I have my family and 2 dogs for both company and security. My health while poor, isn’t too bad. I can still move around and for the most part, take care of myself. It could be much, much worse. I live in a country that is considered safe, isn’t war torn or making it’s people suffer. I have freedoms others are envious of and do not even dare to dream about. I’m surrounded by hundreds of books, each with a story to tantalize my mind and most modern contraptions to make every day life easier.

I only have to read stories of those a hell of a lot poorer than I to know my $17 dilemma really isn’t something to complain about. For in reality I’m very rich compared to some. Time for me to go do some creative accounting.

Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that life isn’t always as bad as we think…

The best person I lost

I’ve been thinking lately about lost loves, wrong choices and a life that could of been but never was. Reflecting on the past has been wonderful, though at times a little sorrowful. There are many things I wish I had done better. Things I’ve said I wish I could go back and never say. Oh the joy of realising the mistakes of youth. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but unfortunately doesn’t help the past.

I’ve been largely thinking about Brendan. He was the most wonderful, caring soul I’ve ever met. We dated for over a year when I was 18-19. I have such fond memories of our time together. Neither time or distance has quashed the love and admiration I have for him. I’m not about to go hunt him down and ask for forgiveness. Nor would I want to disrupt his life, but I often wonder if he ever found the love he so dearly deserved. The love of a woman, his equal that would help him achieve everything in life he desired. I wasn’t that woman, but I know out there some where there was just a woman who would really appreciate the person Brendan was and most likely still is today.

We got along so splendidly. He didn’t mind my joking around and I loved his seriousness. We complemented each other but he was more centered, more mature than I was at the time. Brendan was ready to settle down, marry and create a life with someone. I on the other hand was still fighting my demons and only looking for fun. I didn’t know how to verbalize this, thus when he asked me to marry him everything fell apart dramatically and it was all my doing. For that I have never forgiven myself, nor do I expect or seek his forgiveness. What I did that fateful Christmas day was appalling.

But lets start at the beginning.

I met Brendan at a friends party. He was a dashing young guy with his face clean shaven, shirt neatly tucked into his tight jeans and so much taller than me. That was a feat in itself. Back then I was 180cm tall so finding a guy I could dance with while wearing high heels was a delight. He was very handsome and so easy to strike up a conversation with. Everything about Brendan screamed “this guy is a complete gentleman”. We hooked up that very evening and became inseparable. I don’t think a day went by that we didn’t see each other or at least talk on the phone.

I learned about his life, his loves (which was cars and his daughter). He was always very open and loving. Brendan did try and teach me to drive in his many different cars. He traded them every few weeks it seemed. He didn’t chastise me for my inefficiency or lack of skill. Brendan was a wonderful teacher, never raised his voice or demanded I never drive again, no matter how terrible I drove. I was terrible at it. Trees seemed to jump out at me and we were lucky to get over 40kph. Needless to say it was I that made the decision not to drive until I was 28. To this day I still don’t enjoy it, its just a chore I have to do.

He didn’t like the fact I would travel home late at night on buses after work, so he would often pick me up to take me home. He supported me in everything I did and wanted to do. When I was ill, all he wanted to do was care for. Brendan was so sweet and affectionate. I was really lost in his love until I realised he deserved better than me.

This realisation came when my first love Andrew contacted me. He was coming to town and wanted to catch up. I could never refuse him, ever. So the three of us hit the night club together. Brendan stayed by my side until I forced him to go home. I really don’t think he was enjoying himself. I think he knew the connection Andrew and I had and was concerned. He had every right to be so. What happened that night after Brendan left has always been one of my biggest shames. Something I never repeated ever again. I slept with Andrew and when morning came I was so guilt ridden I went straight to Brendan and confessed.

Now this is when he should of kicked my butt to the curb. Sent me running home as the tramp I felt like but he didn’t. He was obviously hurt. There was no denying it but because I had been so honest and so guilt ridden (I was ready to public shame myself for being so stupid) Brendan just consoled me. He didn’t want us to end but was honest that he was hurt by my cheating. The look on his face in that terrible moment has stayed with me forever and when tempted by Andrew many years later it was Brendan’s face that swam into view not my current partner at the time. That painfully look stopped me from making the same mistake twice.

Our relationship healed and seemed to grow stronger after my affair. Life was truly wonderful. Then early in December Brendan took me for a late night stroll at the Botanic Gardens. There was nothing unusual about this as we had done it often. Chasing each other through the gardens was one of our favourite games.

The evening was quite pleasant. We were not cold as we strolled around the gardens. Summer had began but the days were yet to really heat up. We stopped at the fish pond and chatted while we watched the goldfish. Walked down past the busts of former Prime Ministers poking fun at some of the faces. Eventually we took the path that lead us to the archway near the entrance. Without any indication of his attentions Brendan just stopped. He turned to me as he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I was so caught up in the moment that I said yes. I didn’t think. He scooped me up into his arms the happiest man alive. That is when it hit me. I’d just accepted to become his wife at the age of 19. My mother had married young and that didn’t turn out so well. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t good enough. Oh my God! What had I done?

I couldn’t verbalize any of this. I couldn’t tell the man I’d just agreed to marry I was terrified. The only thing I could do was ask that we not tell anyone yet, to which he agreed.

From that moment on I became more distant. I should of been open with him, spoke of my fears and feelings of inadequacy but I didn’t. Instead I became mean, short tempered and sulky. I was slowly destroying the best thing in my life and was completely oblivious to what I was doing. The thought of how family and friends would view our engagement weighed heavily on me. The feeling of not being able to live up to Brendan’s expectation was soul crushing. Through it all Brendan was a saint for the next few weeks. He never complained once of my terrible attitude or the fact we had not announced our happy news.

Christmas day arrived and I was all knotted up inside. I didn’t want to spend the day with family. I wished to be ill to miss all the festivities, but alas I could not. Face them I had too with poor Brendan by my side. I was extremely cold and callous that day. The way I behaved was beyond shocking. Brendan had done nothing but show me kindness and love. I repaid his devotion with malice and hatred. None of which he deserved. By mid afternoon we were no longer a couple. I destroyed the best thing in my life without really understanding why. Only as I grew older and wiser did I come to understand why I behaved in such a horrible manner. It doesn’t excuse my behavior. It doesn’t give me any comfort to know that youth combined with my history played a huge part in what happened that day. But it did teach me to be more honest in future relationships and to never repeat those same immature mistakes again.

So thank you Brendan. You showed me over 20 years ago that I am worth loving, that I do have a soul worth caring about. I’ve carried that knowledge in my heart ever since and drawn upon those memories when life has turned a terrible twist.

The one thing I regret is behaving like a big jerk and breaking your heart. I don’t want your forgiveness, just the opportunity to know you found in life what you truly deserved. A loving, honest relationship.

Meager Existence

I sat at my computer today to try and make my budget for the next few months one that means we don’t starve.

All of the things I could do, the services I could stop are on contracts. It is better to continue with these services as I have no means to pay an early release bill. It would amount to hundreds of dollars. It doesn’t seem fair that companies can make customers pay for a service over  24 months. I’m locked in with no escape. It really is an unfair practice. I’ve paid for connection, I pay a monthly fee, that should be enough. I should be allowed to end the service at anytime without coping exit fees.

I could reduce my internet service or do away with it completely but I’d have to pay for the remainder of my current contract, same with my home phone and mobile. So for the foreseeable future I am stuck paying for services I can no longer afford.

My car died last year. Sold the rotten money pit to the the scrapper. Luckily I was given the opportunity to slowly pay off a car by my son’s friend. But this has meant finding money to not only pay for the car but for the maintenance required to make it roadworthy. $2000 may not sound like a lot to most people but for me it is an enormous amount. I wouldn’t have bought it all if there was public transport between country towns on the weekend. I have to travel fortnightly to pick my daughter up from her fathers. I can forget sympathy from him, he wouldn’t help me and I know that the courts wouldn’t care one iota of my situation, as has been the case for a family member. When they had no transport to travel to another town, the court told them “not their problem” and that he had to find a way to pick his child up regardless. So I bought a second hand car, the only one I could.

I looked in the fridge and remembered better days. I can just picture what a fridge full of healthy food looks like. It seems like eons ago now, but the memory lingers on. My crisper use to house many varieties of fresh fruit and vegetables. There was always plenty of choices of snacks. Lots of yogurt and cheese. Cold meat that didn’t come in packages but was sliced at the butchers in front of your eyes. Eggs fresh from the farm and milk that didn’t taste watered down. We had mineral water and usually 2 kinds of fruit juice. There was often home made cordial and and pumpkin dip. There was always a large assortment of condiments.

Now the fridge has carrots, pumpkin, eggs, cheap milk and the cheapest yogurt and cheese I can buy. It seems so large now when it use to seem so small. Sometimes when cauliflower and broccoli are on special I get these instead of the frozen variety. Fruit now consists of apples and oranges. Bananas when they are cheap. Gone are the days of affording variety. The cold meat I buy for school lunches now is processed for when I cannot afford to buy a roast to make our own. I’ve had to become more creative with less condiments too.

The cupboards look a little bare but we do honestly have enough to eat. I’d never let my children go hungry. It’s just our quality and variety of food is greatly diminished.

All I receive is Disability Support Pension (DSP) and Family Tax Benefit. I am eternally grateful for the assistance I receive but am really tired of both the Government and people’s perception that I am just bludging off the system. I am often told I get enough money to not only survive but spend the excess willy nilly. I don’t on either account. I don’t drink, smoke, take drugs or gamble. Forget takeaway as I cannot afford it. We don’t live on junk food either so that stereo typical rubbish of people on benefits is completely wrong for my situation.

Our clothes are often bought from op shops and sales. Any medical aids I need come last. Actually anything I need comes last. I cannot even afford to pay for physio or someone to mow my lawn. It is a meager existence living on DSP. This idea that it is all going out for coffee and living it up is ludicrous. I go out for a $4 coffee once a month and even that is hard to find the money for.

Some times I look in my fridge and just wish for better days. I didn’t ask to be in this situation. I never planned for my life to be like this. I never wanted my children to grow up in poverty. It was all out of my control. One look at what the government is spinning says otherwise. They make out I’m sitting around wasting tax payers money, getting a free ride. They say I should be out there working, though no employer would hire me. They are considering reducing DPS payments depending on ability for work capacity. They are out on a mission to hunt out rorters and make them pay back money which they were not entitled too. The future is bleak. Government sites for Disability Advocacy ask that people don’t panic and keep a sensible head. More likely they just want us quiet while they make our lives even more difficult than it all ready is.

Rant over for today. I’ll go back and try and make my budget work.

A little humbled…

I dabble in art for pleasure, not to create a master piece or something so beautiful people would want to hang it in their homes. I often joke I do toilet art. Pictures you would hang in the powder room to ponder over while you have nothing better to do. My creations are mostly sketches, often simplistic, lack creativity and are unpolished. Colour is something that I struggle with. I leave the creating of real art to those with talent beyond measure.

So yesterday I decided to upload some of my drawings to Deviant Art. My thinking was if my friend could put her digital art work online for others to view and enjoy perhaps I could share as well. I have to admit it was a little daunting to share with the world something I usually share with only those closest to me. Some of the pictures that were uploaded are decades old, some more recent but none are what I would consider brilliant. As long as I like what I do, that is all that has ever mattered to me, or so I thought.

Six pictures I added to my gallery. Within minutes three of them were added to peoples favorites. I was astounded. Really, I couldn’t imagine that people with artistic talent far beyond my own would like my drawings. I was grateful to these strangers. Even more so when I realised the talent these people possess. The first guy I clicked on draws portraits. They are so realistic you could almost mistaken them for black and white photos. He has done portraits of Taylor Swift, Robin Williams, Natalie Portman to name a few. His work is very impressive. He also has created a a youtube video showing the process of how he creates a portrait. Worth checking it out if you find drawing interesting http://markusbogner.deviantart.com/

The next person was a woman that creates mystical portraits and artworks with colour. Her pictures were beautiful and calming. Something you would see hanging in a contemporary art gallery. Her pictures wouldn’t look out of place in a billionaires home they are that brilliant. I couldn’t look anymore. It was all a  little overwhelming.

I shed a few tears of joy just knowing that my quaint little sketches were liked by others. I felt and still do, humbled that those with such brilliance to be able to create such beautiful artwork can still find beauty in the simplest of things, my little sketches.

Who am I?

Slowly but surely I’m getting to understand myself better. It has taken over 40 years but better late than never. My journey of self discovery started many decades ago. Unfortunately I let myself be guided by others, by their view on who I should be and how I should behave. Over the years I have started and stopped this process due to outside influences and my desire to please all those around me. I had little to no confidence in my own abilities, my own voice. There were moments when I glimpsed the person I am. Little moments of rebellion that I reveled in, moments that gave me deep satisfaction but they were always short lived. I buckled to the voices of others. The voices that told me how to behave, to dress, to parent. The list of modifications was and still is long. It is a list that others around me, family, friends, society and even history recite for me when ever I show my true self. Women are expected to behave in certain ways, if they don’t they are labelled as feminists, whores, liars, weak, bitchy, suffering from ‘that time of the month’. Their real feelings and desires are forced down by all these people around them, making it hard to true to oneself. I grew up being told that a woman needs to marry, raise a family. I came from a family with no father, as I was raised by my mother only, those in a position of trust saw me as not worthy. My whole childhood reinforced that to be worthy as a woman you needed to be married to a man. It is not surprising then that it has taken me so long to realise that those beliefs are utterly wrong. Never in my life have I had anyone believe in my ability to reach for the sky. No one expected me to amount to anything but a mother and a wife. Never have I been considered intelligent. I have no confidence in myself. No belief that I can succeed in anything. I have completely lost touch with who I am. When describing myself, the words articulate, intelligent, hardy, lively, confident, worthwhile are never used, but I would use them to describe some of my male friends. When I think about it most words of strength, abilities, intelligence, loyalty are used by me to describe male traits. This is a thing that I intend to change as women are also all of those things and more. Tired of calling women crafty, homely, nurturing, indecisive, immoral, bitches, moody. Male or female, we all have the ability to be everything I’ve just listed and so much more. It shouldn’t be about the sexes, just the individual. Which brings me back to describing myself. So I need a true list of who I am. A list that I believe in, that encompasses the things I know to be true. It is a list that will grow as I discover more and more along my road to self acknowledgement. I have to acknowledge my own true character, my own worthiness before I can move on and create the life I wish to lead. A life of being true to oneself. So my list to date is this. I am incredibly strong, a fighter, I just keep going on. I’m creative, easily pleased in the little things in life, a procrastinator, prone to worrying over nothing (and quite happily I must admit). I am intelligent, clever, I know weird facts about the oddest of things. I love my computer more than chocolate (I’d ditch the kids for a block of Top Deck without a second thought), I think I’m funny but know not everyone gets my humor and that is ok as I sometimes I don’t get theirs. I’m honest, not always reliable but apologetic when I forget things. I sing completely off key but don’t care. Singing makes me happy as does reading and writing. I also suffer from mental blocks and as I sit here typing away, I am having another one so my list ends here for now. Eventually it will grow. It has already has these last few months, plus I’ve pruned the negative words from the list. It is amazing what you can achieve when you realise you are worth the effort.